Monday, June 22, 2009

the death of the dream

Often when i look at the most stagnant parts of my life and the lives of others, you can see an intense grieving process happening in their hearts.
When people think of grief - they think of death.. but its not just the physical death of a person that causes the heart to grieve.
It's the death of hope, a relationship or a longing for something different
which can only be described as the death of a dream.

The dreams that keep your soul alive,
your emotions exuberant and the light in your life that becomes the reason you wake up each day.
The family you never had,
the one you loved but lost,
or the person you wished they were.

The attachment and unbreakable bond we have with the dream shatters our world when it dies.. and you feel like you've lost life.

I'm starting to realise that we've been grieving the death of so many things in our lives for a time far too long.
Grief has overcome us - the deepest parts of our hearts and minds and
it leaves us breathless, stagnant and empty.
and new dreams arise and die and we're left mourning once again.

Suppressed grief suffocates the being of a person and I have come to learn that if you do not wish to feel grief then you cannot truly experience happiness.
At the end of the day, we're forced to simply let go or we'll fade away.
become a statistic, achieve nothing, love no one and our final days will see us waiting for death as we've had enough of mourning and self inflicted pain.

so i'm left with the hope that one day our journeys will be over and we'll begin to feel alive again,
breathe without assistance and embrace happiness with all we possess.

but until then..
i'll attempt to let go.. and wait for the time to pass and my heart to heal.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

sometimes my mind wanders to these remissive regretful states.
today is one of those days where i wish i was somewhere else,

anywhere else.

Wanting the world to leave me alone, stop asking questions and let me fade into oblivion.
Wishing i wasn't so confused
that he was different and i was content.
that my nails didn't chip a day after i painted them.

and that i could know what this unattainable state of mind known as happiness feels like.

falling faster down the rabbit hole... i'm lost.

tell me what to do.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Thursday, June 4, 2009

The breakdown of families has left an entire generation of needy, self destructive, attention-seeking people.
There is no definition of oneself anymore.
We're merely.... the fucked up kids.
And as each day ends and the new one begins you slowly realise more and more, the effect of our messed up childhoods.

As i look at my life and the lives of others and see the revolving doors filled with confusion and self destruction and such inability to lead respectable lives i wonder.. why i do the things i do?
why do they do the things they do?

The majority of our generation has come from dysfunctional homes that left us with a longing for self worth which most people seek from any avenue possible.
Even with the people that you think have it all together, and seem so narcissistic - you realise, at the end of the day, they're just looking for reassurance like everybody else, just in different ways and perhaps not so obvious as others.

Inability to commit, love unconditionally or stay in one place for prolonged periods of time all point to the search for worthiness.
even subconsciously; the desire to be worth something to anyone really.

And all i'm left with is the underlying anger that dwells deep in my soul at every parent and every person that ever had responsibility over the life of a child and blatently fucked it up.
That affects me and my life now.
It affects the people i love and their lives.
It affects my entire generation.

the optimist inside of me hopes to be the change one day. but optimism died along with the child that once was.
I'm left with the pessimistic reality that tells me it's only going to get worse and it cannot be changed.
this generation cannot be redeemed and the cycle will not end.

We'll all wake up one day and wonder what happened to us?
what happened to love, hope, truth and self confidence.
The fire that destroyed our homes will ravish our hearts to the point where we can no longer be the change and the cycle begins again.

what once shone bright has become dull and almost impossible to find.
and our comfort is now despair which inevitably ruins us.

what once lived, has died....